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Humour Shots Part Seventeen
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A successful businessman became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere, Montana.
After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoof beats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse.
"Hold it friend," the man says, "I'm your neighbor. I have a ranch about 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a welcome party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancin', drinkin' huggin', kissin', humpin' and fightin'.... It's gonna be a great time!"
Not wanting to be un-neighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"
"Aw, don't matter," replied the neighbor. "Only gonna be the two of us."
A shy but handsome fellow was at a club and sees a beautiful woman seated alone at the bar. After an hour of screwing up his courage he heads over to her and asks tentatively, "Uh, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the poor guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he meanders back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 an hour!"
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
A woman and a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. He examines the baby and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed." she says.
"Well, strip down to your waist." He orders.
She does. He presses both breasts, pinches them both, and then says, "No wonder this baby is hungry, you don't have any milk."
"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt, but I'm glad I came!"
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A woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "Finkel...Finkel, Let me see... Feinberg, Farber -- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving he is going to send her home Tuesday."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home on Tuesday. I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."
The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family."
She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor tells me nothing!"
This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."
His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."
The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door."
A ventriloquist was giving a performance and his dummy was being particularly cruel about blondes. One joke after another had the audience in stitches until one blonde woman finally stood up with tears of rage running down her cheeks. "How you dare you" she shouted. "I'm sick to death of these stupid, feeble jokes that make out that blonde women are stupid. Who do you think you are?" The ventriloquist felt fairly shame faced at this tirade and so started to apologise, to which the blonde yelled back, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
NEWS JUST IN....
Japan is sending 50,000,000 cases of Viagra to the U.S. They have heard that the entire country can't get an election !!!
"I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that."
- Tom Lehrer
"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you."
- Jay Leno
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV. I guess I stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair."
The last thing I remember saying was, "Oh, really? And what time does it go off?"
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The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal wave elicits rapture and cheering from every English person in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do.
"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice?"
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slaps her...
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A pretty girl is driving through the west. Her car runs out or gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse, and gives her a ride to a gas station.
Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk.
Finally, he drops her off with a final "Yiiieee-yiiieee-yiiiee!" and gallops off.
"My god!" says the gas station guy. "What were you doing to that Indian to make him holler like that?"
"Why, nothing," says the girl. "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn."
"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
To the residents of the United States of America,
In view of your abject failure to elect a President and thus to govern yourselves, We give hereby Notice of the Revocation of your independence, effective today at Five O'Clock Greenwich Mean Time.
Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties forthwith over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Florida, which shall be returned to His Illustrious Catholic Majesty, King Juan Carlos of Spain. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt Hon Tony Blair, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will suggest to Her Majesty a Governor-General for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that difficult.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast British actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American football" You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour). We are hoping to get together at least an American rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in the British Empire. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know thatfur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you?
"Here it comes." PHHHEWWWWW
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the ball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the nightclub' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00." "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked,surprised. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken'sdog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
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Tolerance is only another name for indifference.
- W. Somerset Maugham
Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan
An primary school teacher, tired of dealing with educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for "behavior modification reinforcers."
The principal saw the item and asked, "What in heaven's name is that?"
"Lollipops," she explained
Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say "LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"
A sergeant in a parachute regiment took part in several night time exercises. Once, he was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet and looked a bit pale so the sergeant struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?" he asked.
"No, just a bit apprehensive." the lieutenant replied.
"What's the difference?"
The lieutenant answered, "The difference is I'm scared with a university education."
"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked. As the woman looked for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him."
A farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks.
The owner is curious, but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.
When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says, "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together."
"One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors."
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Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.
"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. The head of Goldman, Sachs, owns that one over there. And look at that huge yacht out there. That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."
His friend was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face.
"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.
"I was just wondering," his friend said. "Aren't there any customers' yachts?"
"How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?"
- Rita Rudner
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? - A speech impediment.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she strips naked from her neck down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs new clothes!"
Then she hollers..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" Then she begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. With that she picks up her winnings and clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Proves: not all blondes are dumb.
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. More stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A Public servant dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the Angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you. Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Public servant sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.'
'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. 'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!'
The Public servant is awe-struck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.' 'That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your flex sheets......'
"My son has taken up meditation... at least it's better than sitting around doing nothing."
- Max Kauffmann
Radical "street magician" David Blaine emerged last Thursday from a six-ton block of ice -- very cold, barely able to walk, but alive. His latest stunt drew huge crowds to the street corner where he stood, shirtless, for nearly three days.
Doctors monitored his vital signs with sensors attached to his body, and the entire chilling performance was broadcast live on the Internet.
Blaine first drew national attention last year when he was buried alive for a week. He says he wants to be shot in the chest for his next stunt -- stopping the bullet with only muscular tension. By the way, one British tabloid -- in usual British tabloid fashion - came up with this inventive headline for Blaine's latest feat: "He came, he thawed, he conquered."
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back!"
My uncle spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he went to talk to the minister.
He said to the minister, "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
"The trouble with being punctual is that there's nobody there to appreciate it."
- Harold Rome
"You know you're going out with someone too young for you when they say, 'Did you know Paul McCartney was in a band before Wings?'"
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
- Rodney Dangerfield.
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"When you see the writing on the wall.... you can bet you're in a public restroom."
"I believe you should live each day as if it were your last, which is why I never have any clean clothes. Because, come on, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their lives?"
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here."
Heaven vs. Hell
the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian
and the bankers are Swiss.
the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian.
"When I finished school, I took one of those career aptitude tests, and based on my verbal ability score, they suggested I become a mime."
- Tim Cavanagh
This is a groannnn
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.
Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."
I was recently born again. It was a deeply spiritual and glorious experience. I can't say my mother enjoyed it a whole lot.
- John Wing
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." (124.7 would be the radio frequency for Departure Control).
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... By the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff. Roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
My girlfriend had a terrible time of it. First she got ton- sillitis, then appendicitis and pneumonia. After that they gave her hypodermics and inoculations. I thought she would never win that spelling bee.