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Humour Shots Part Nineteen
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A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard," what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the man of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto!" the man says, "Tonto Goldstein! But my friends call me Bubba!
Famous Last Words:
Unfortunately I can not totally agree with comrade Stalin.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A parking meter is a device that enables you to do two hours shopping in one.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Sign seen in our veterinarian's office: "All children left unattended will be given a free kitten."
Subject: How to stop being bugged by relatives at weddings if you're single:
Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next"
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said. "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"
And the first old lady blurted out, "And cold, too!"
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An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes.
"Hello toes!" he said, "how are you, toes? You know, you are 82 today. Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello knees", he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you`re 82 today. Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we`ve jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you were alive today, you`d be 82 years old!"
Duty is what one expects from others, it is not what one does oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with."
- Anonymous woman
A somewhat inexperienced musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having a terrible time keeping time with the rest of the band.
Finally, the band leader said, "Look, either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard....so it's up to you, sync or swim."
A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU'RE CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as recommended in that time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time."
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
"...in Jesus' name. Amen."
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
- Margaret Thatcher
I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde
Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."
"How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent."
"I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that there pile."
So the foreman went away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he awasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ahcouldnay fin' him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES"!!
Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.
When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says as puts them in the sack with the finches.
Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the lions' cage.
"Bloody hell!" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
What goes tick-tick-tick-tick-woof? A watchdog.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick boxing.
She was only the whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.
I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
- Phyllis Diller
A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd sworn off men for life.
"They lie, they cheat, and they're just no damn good," she moaned. "From now on, when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said.
"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.
"That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual."
On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
My husband turned to me and said, "I suppose we could vacuum."
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A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door." "Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied: "We all looked -- but your client didn't!"
What's got 4 legs and an arm ?
A happy Rottweiler !!
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
When George W. Bush was asked if he knew what Roe vs Wade was, he replied it was the decision that George Washington needed to make when he planned for his army to cross the Delaware.
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading, 'LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.
It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
"My husband bought me a mood ring.
When I am in a good mood it is green
When I am in a bad mood it leaves a red mark in the middle of his forehead!"
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long. "Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage at the check-in counter.
Turning to the attendant he said, "I like your mistletoe. Is it for customers or only personnel?"
"Neither," she said. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."