« Humour Shots 22 | Index | Humour Shots 24 »
Humour Shots Part Twenty Three
He said... "Let's go out and have some fun tonight."
She said..."Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
hallway light on."
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make
love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded.
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father
stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes,
I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until much later
that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been
directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the
SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS:
- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
- Plagiarism saves time.
- If at first you don't succeed, try management.
- TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
- Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
- INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
- Succeed in spite of management.
- Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right
to be taken seriously."
--- Humbert H. Humphrey, 1911-1978
A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything
happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
"Here's something that will really make you feel grown up,"
said a father to his teenage daughter, "Your very own mobile phone
Don't judge your wife too harshly for her weaknesses. If she
didn't have them chances are she would have never married you.
The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.
She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes,
mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and
said, "Does this look natural?"
"Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable
uncertainty." --Mark Twain
I’ve used this before, but I really like it…
The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long
after he had left.
She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."
"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted
Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother and found a water pistol. He squealed with de-
light and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.
I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you
remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."
I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him
stalking around with a flyswatter.
When I asked if he had gotten any flies, he answered, "Yeah,
3 males and 2 females."
Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.
He answered, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then you are probably a dog
"He's called a broker because after you deal with him that's
exactly what you are." -Unknown
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box
that fell out of a truck in front of him.
Seconds later, two policemen came by. While one pulled the
gentleman over, the second stopped traffic and recovered
the box so as to avoid any further mishaps. When they opened
the box, they found it contained large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I'm
going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked, "For what?!"
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."