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Humour Shots Part Two
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Subject: Sign Language...
These are actual signs from England - but then again no one says it like the British!
Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall that was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH:
IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Notice in afield:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Sign in a Japanese hotel:
SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS
Sign in Egyptian hotel:
IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, "ROOM SERVICE!"
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As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female? - "Steady as she goes". Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announce that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follows:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
- No one but the creator understands their internal logic.
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
- The message "Bad command or File name" is about as informative as "if you don't know why I am mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
- Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe that computers are male:
- They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
- Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied............. "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went !
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH." They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
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Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old and wheelchair bound.
Every night they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had. One night, Bill didn't turn up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds.
She confronted him and said "Where have you been the past few nights ?"
He replied "If you must know, I was with another woman".
"You rat!" she cried. "What were you doing ?"
"We do the exact same thing that you and I do" he answered.
"Is she prettier or younger than I am ?" she asked.
"Nope. She looks the same and is 98 years old" Bill replied.
"Well then, what has she got that I haven't ?" Edna asked.
Bill smiled slyly and said "Parkinson's Disease".
A Feminist's Fairytale!!
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Johnny, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Johnny?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Johnny. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun for the purpose of launching dead chickens. It is used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshield of airline jet, military jet, or the space shuttle, at that vehicle's maximum traveling velocity.
The idea being, that it would simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore determine if the windshields are strong enough to endure high-speed bird strikes.
British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test the gun out on the windshield of their new high-speed trains. However, upon the firing of the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself into the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions.
The NASA scientists sent back a one sentence response: "Thaw the chicken."
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If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is,"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.