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Humour Shots Part Eight
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. "This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police......."
A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
A Guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says after regaining his senses.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.
She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What the heck was that for?"
"Your horse phoned."
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A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do.
While they were working she heard a little girl say very softly "Damn!"
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?"
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer requested.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.
The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.
Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"
The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers
A window salesman phoned a customer. "Hello, Mr. Brown," said the Sales Rep, "I'm calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still haven't sent us a single payment."
The customer replied, "But you said they'd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months!"
"A psychologist once said that we know little about the conscience except that it is soluble in alcohol."
- Thomas Blackburn
Two atoms are walking down the street when they run into each other. The first says to the second, "Are you all right? You don't look so good."
"I'm not feeling very well," says the second atom. "I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the first.
"Yeah, I'm positive!"
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Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an Oriental fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries. The blowhard, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said: "You like soupee?"
The Oriental fellow nodded his head.
"You like steakee?"
The Oriental nodded again.
As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English.
He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down, and turned to his dinner partner and said, "You like speechee?"
"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."
- Fletcher Knebel
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.
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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.