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Humour Shots Part Sixteen
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"I just got one of those new devices that make my mobile phone 'hands free.' Now I can get back to eating and drinking when I drive."
- Gloria Steinem
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source.
- Ron Nesen
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
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"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.'"
- Bob Newhart
After two years of marriage, a guy was still questioning his wife about her old boyfriends.
"C'mon, tell me," he asked for the thousandth time, "how many men have you been with?"
"Baby, " she protested, "If I told you, you'd throw a fit."
But he explained how mature he was now and promised he wouldn't get angry, and convinced his wife to tell him.
"Okay," she said, then started to count on her fingers. "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen....."
Q: What is the difference between an American and Yogurt?
A: If you leave the Yoghurt out long enough it will develop a culture.
I don't usually pass on news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is about......
There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song Hokey Cokey (or Hokey Pokey) died last week at age 83.
It was especially difficult for the family to get him in the casket.
They put his left leg in and put his....... well, things just started going downhill from there.
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon to go home. However instead of going home he squandered the weekend (and his pay cheque) partying with his mates. When he finally returned home on Sunday evening, he immediately ran into his furious wife.
After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wfe asked "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF YOU DIDN'T SEE ME FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS???" He responded:"THAT WOULD SUIT ME JUST FINE!!"
So Monday went by, and the husband didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.....
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like,
"Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says,
"Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes,
"Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it"
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said,
"Tyre go flat?"
I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes,
"Darn that's hot!"
See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning...ok... no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign... until he asked,
"So... is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him looked back at the rig and then back to him and said,
"No I'm deliverin' a bridge... here's your sign."
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Q: Did you hear about the guy who had 8 vasectomies?
A: His wife kept getting pregnant.
"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'"
"Never go to a plastic surgeon whose favorite artist is Picasso."
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
- Alex Levine
A group of Florida senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one. "Ha! My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not all bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can still drive!"
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I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.
"Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"
The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked.
He smiled and motioned to a far wall, "Usually at the ATM."
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"That must be a very smart dog," the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
"Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great new scent. It's called New Car Interior."
- Rita Rudner
More than anything, my brother-in-law wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," said my brother-in-law, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
"As easy as 3.1415926..."
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"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it!), but 'That's funny...'"
- Isaac Asimov
Ever since Eve gave Adam the apple, there has been a misunderstanding between the sexes about gifts.
- Nan Robertson
"The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more."
- Max Kauffmann
As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women.
"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry..."
I just love this one sent in by Anthony Plowright
Three guys die together and go to heaven.... St Peter says, "We only have one rule... don't step on the ducks!" They enter heaven and see ducks all over, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck.
The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St Peter with the UGLIEST woman he has ever seen...
St Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever"
The next day the second guy steps on a duck... Sure enough, St Peter comes with an ugly woman and chains them together...
The third guy is very careful. He goes months and doesn't step on any ducks.
One day St Peter comes with this gorgeous woman... Blonde, blue eyed...very sexy...and intelligent. He chains them together and leaves without a word.
The third guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to get this"? She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Sean Moran reckons this is the blonde joke of the year so far
take it up with him
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail Box and again opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the House she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied," There certainly is!"
(Are you ready?) ... this is a beauty .....
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."