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« Humour Shots 17 | Index | Humour Shots 19 »

Humour Shots Part Eighteen

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You have to be quick with this one…It was passed on from 3 different sources in one day….but I love it….

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:


"Honey, It's me."


"Are you at the club?"


"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $4,500.00"

" Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 to swap over..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."


"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $1,250,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $1,200,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender brings a beer over and he asks the man what he's got in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano, a small piano bench, and a foot tall man who sits at the piano and begins playing

The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.." So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie.

She says,"I will grant you one wish, and one wish only." So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks."

A minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another.. and it continues.

The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks."

And the man says, "Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"

My sister brought her daughter a really nice Baby Grand Piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked my sister how her daughter was doing.

"Oh," she said, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Because," my sister answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The doctor answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

This is for our friend John Cowan.


1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!

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Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb.
Now turn it off and get to bed!
- Thomas Edison's Mother

True Story (yes - really!) ...

I broke my leg ... riding a skim-board on Harbord Beach in Sydney, if you must know ... a month before my fiancee and I were to be married . I broke both lower bones in my right leg (spiral for the Fib and compound for the Tib), resulting in a full leg plaster. I was non-weight-bearing at the time of the wedding. A friend gave me a get well card. In it he said "Happiness is having a spare crutch on your honeymoon".



Thank you Clinton

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
- Milton Berle

"Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
- Groucho Marx

Did you hear about the oyster that went into the singles bar?

He pulled a muscle!!!!

"Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint. Luckily for you, I happen to be a quack."
-Cartoon caption

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques-visualization, association-it has made a big difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife.... "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?

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I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really was more fun.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster makes you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a house- keeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary

Fifteen minutes into flight, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."

The blonde in seat 17A turned to the man next to her and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

It is reported that Dorothy Parker was once asked to use the word horticulture in a sentence.

She promptly said, "You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think."

A burglar broke into an empty house in the middle of the night. He had taken just a few steps when he heard a voice boom out in the darkness, saying, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!"

He stopped dead in his tracks, waited a few minutes, when he heard nothing else he began tiptoeing forward only to hear "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!" again. He froze and began looking frantically around to see who had said that.

Finally, over in a dark corner he spotted a bird cage and in the bird cage was a parrot. He said to the parrot, "Did you say 'Jesus is watching you' just now?"

The parrot said, "Yes, I did."

The burglar said, "What is your name?"

The parrot answered, "Clarence"

The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under...you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.

Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

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A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?"

The local scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I'm driving."

"That's the quickest way!"

It is reported that Dorothy Parker was once asked to use the word horticulture in a sentence.

She promptly said, "You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think."

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are visited by a genie who will grant them one wish each. The Irishman asks for there always to be food and drink in Ireland so the genie grants that the potato crop will never fail sand the whisky barrels will always be full. The Englishman ask that the genie construct a wall around England to keep the Irish and the Scots out so the genie builds a wall around the entire boundary of England. The Scotsman says to the genie, explain a little more about this wall. Well, says the genie, it is 150' thick and 100' high. Nothing can get in or out. The Scotsman say - fill it up with water!

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain", he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a communist party official walking toward them

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"

A Man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."

The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning Me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."

"OK. Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what would you say if your hus- band came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

Thanks to Anthony Plowright……

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your bum, didn't it?"

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.....

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Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other, whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going moron! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

  • It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

  • Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

  • We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

  • The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

  • It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

  • Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

  • You can't have everything, where would you put it?

  • Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

  • If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

  • Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

  • The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

  • Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

  • Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

  • When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

  • It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

  • The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

  • Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

  • I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

  • When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on! "The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

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A young single guy is stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford. Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" she asks. "I know we're stranded, but we're in love and we have a wonderful life together. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?" "Sure," she says, "if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a half hour later.

He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German frontlines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier sked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!

Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."


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