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What the critics are saying

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« Humour Shots 19 | Index Humour Shots 21 »

Humour Shots Part Twenty

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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian were viewing a painting of Adam and Eve walking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British!"

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagreed. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French!"

"It is obvious they are Russian," argued the Russian. "They have no clothes and no shelter, they have only an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise!"

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy."
- Erica Jong

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know I'm not blonde."
- Dolly Parton

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.

"Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk.

"It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, madam," the shop assistant replied. "Any way he tries to put it together is wrong."

"I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead."
- unknown

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

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Supposed to be true…… I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"

"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."

"Sad news. Ted Mann, founder of Mann's Theaters, one of the biggest, largest movie chains in the country, died last week. Services will be Sunday at 12.15, 3.30, 6.45, and 9."
- Jay Leno

Here are some things sports commentators wish they hadn't uttered. Enjoy! (I believe they are true….I have actually heard many of them when they do humour in sport segments)

'The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense.' (Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991).

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On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: 'It was like being in a foreign country' (Ian Rush)

'Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator' (John Arlott)

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body'(Winston Bennett)

'The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical' (Murray Walker)

'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father' (Greg Norman)

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious' (Alan Minter)

'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.' (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?' Chris Eubank: 'On what ?'

'To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.' (Ruud Gullit)

'Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw.' (Ron Atkinson)

'For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip' (John Motson)

'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' (David Acfield)

'These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them' (Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta)

'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that,before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them - Oh my God, what have I just said?' (USTV commentator)

Bush and Cheney are having lunch at a diner near the White House. Cheney orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says "Honey, could I have a quickie?"

She's horrified! She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House," and she marches off.

Cheney leans over and says "George, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'

From John F.


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