Humour Shots 21 | Index | Humour Shots 23

Humour Shots Part Twenty Two

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Dad called upstairs to his daughter when her boyfriend came to pick her up, "Dreamboat...your barnacle is here!"

Anything you say may...

Oklahoma City:
Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

From John.

Groan...

A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his asylum with a couple of students. They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"

The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?"

The second student says, "No, I think he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering."

Bacon and eggs: A day's work for the chicken...a life-time investment for the pig.

It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.

A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?" "Yes". "Do you read your Bible every day?" She nodded her head,"Yes." "Do you pray often?" the boy asked next and again she answered, "Yes." With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my dollar while I go swimming?"

Speaking of swimming, we haven't had a blond joke for ages...

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

True... from Mary Sinclair-Jones

My daughter in Sweden just sent me this interesting snippet:

In Finland your speeding tickets and parking tickets etc are measured by the amount of money you earn, if you are on a top salary then they will fine you more, so you feel the effects. If you don't earn much it's just a little one, sometimes nothing, One guy who is the owner of some huge company just got the record of a 9 million krowns (Finnish Kroner) fine for parking in a disabled space!

Yikes, thank goodness I'm poor...

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But.... there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake".

...from Dawn Chote

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives...

The voice booms out again, "Okay... NOW you're screwed."

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
- Rodney Dangerfield

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said,

"I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the bl**dy walls if you came to visit us again."

A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonomous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"

To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

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A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.

The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

In good company? Results of a competition to find dumb things in company correspondence.

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping.)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.-This one should have won first place.)

6. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

9. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

...from John

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