« Humour Shots 23 | Index | Humour Shots 25 »
Humour Shots Part Twenty Four
A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory When the case comes to court the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime.
Judge: "Well, what have you to say in your defense?"
Boy: "Only that I'm sorry your honor."
Judge: "Hrmph. I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting
Boy: "But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap!"
Judge: "Consider yourself lucky!--It could have been life boy."
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and
thinking about your case: $250'."
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the
penalty for murder.
"One time we were driving through a construction zone and the
sign said, SPEED LIMIT 35 AHEAD. And there were four of us in
the car. We were through there in no time." -Geechy Guy
"A recent economic study revealed that the best time to buy
anything is last year." --Marty Allen
When I TOOK my daughter, Judy, to visit the Salvador Dali
Museum in St. Petersburg, Fla., I struck up a conversation
with one of the guards. I noticed that he looked kind of
glum, so I asked him what was wrong.
"Every day I get the same assignment next to the artist's
self-portrait," he said. "And every day - without fail - some
clown comes by and says, 'Hello, Dali!'"
From the Reader’s Digest
After two years of marriage, TZ was still questioning his wife
about her lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," TZ asked for the thousandth time, "how many
men have you been with?"
"Baby, " she protested, "If I told you, you'd throw a fit."
TZ promised he wouldn't get angry, and convinced his wife to
"Okay," she said, then started to count on her fingers. "One,
two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine,
ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen....."
"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do
about it?" --Emo Philips
"My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I
hope it's not hereditary." --Steven Wright
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother,
his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes
them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, 'Thanks
for the peanuts.' She says, 'Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only
suck the chocolate off 'em.'
It was the second grade teacher's birthday. So every child in the class was giving her a special gift.
Anna's mother owned a flower shop, so Anna gave the teacher some beautiful flowers.
Robert's parents owned a candy shop. Robert gave the teacher a wonderful box of assorted candies.
Then it was little Johnny's turn. Johnny's dad owned a liquor store!
So Johnny brought a big box for his teacher.
When little Johnny handed the box to his teacher, she noticed that the bottom of the box was wet. So she put her finger on it and tasted.
"Is it wine?" the teacher asked.
"No, it's not wine!" Johnny replied.
She tasted it again. "Hmmmmmm. Is it some sort of liquor?"
"Nope, it's not liquor!" said Johnny.
She tasted it again and was puzzled. "Well, Johnny, I give up. What
Johnny was excited. "It's a puppy!" he said.
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass
is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
Comprehending Engineers-Take Two
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
-----Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
Comprehending Engineers-Take three
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with
a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot
mamma and be cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart
murmur. Be careful."
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.